Guatemala Evolution: Mistakes and Faith

"We never change. Do we?" - Coldplay

Here are the same mistakes. A boy. A really immature, selfish, and deceitful boy. Too old for these inconsiderate games, but too young for me to blame him; it's my fault. I was greedy, gaming first. Poetic justice; I'm almost thankful. Let this be a lesson to me I will never ever forget. This is so embarassing, I don't know where to hide.

It's gotten in the way of my connecting with anyone from the trip; this fucking cloud of awkwardness. I never meant to be on the sly.

These days, I'm really looking for change. I need to reconsider my priorities. I need to exercise better judgment and act with greater consideration for consequences. Professionalism. I care about this work more than anything else; and right now, I feel broken and empty at the end of it. What a shame.

I hate hypocrisy. I see it in my actions, which do not match up with my words. I am genuine! But my decisions are immature. They were wrong. I am learning. I must change.

These days, I'm really looking for change. I can grow from this, and be a stronger person, a better leader. This can be a very valuable experience for me if I put the lessons into practice.

"Then, without realizing it, you try to improve yourself at the start of each new day; of course, you achieve quite a lot in the course of time. Anyone can do this, it costs nothing and is certainly very helpful. Whoever doesn't know it must learn and find by experience that a quiet conscience makes one strong." - Anne Frank

How do I change? It's culminated to such a point of urgency for me now. This is not the first time, and it will not be the last time unless I really deeply and completely re-think my life, my priorities, my morals and values, the way I make decisions, the way I interact with other people.

I need to be more open, honest, and accountable to others; I want to be more down-to-earth and approachable. I really need to exercise a cool objective perspective and strengthen my self-restraint. I need to make a habit of thoroughly considering the impact of my decisions on others before I act, and taking the time to do what is best for everyone, and building the emotional strength to carry out my rational decisions.

Discipline over heart. It's a simple principle of adulthood. It's time I start being a woman: strong, caring, decisive; not a helpless emotional victim of a girl. Never again. Love fool. Never again.

Professor Dalton said yesterday that what makes Malcolm X an example of good leadership was his openness to evolution. He was a man who, in spite of his firm and passionate conviction in his ideas, was open-minded and objective with himself, and upon realizing error in his old ways of thinking, he consciously and openly changed himself. He sought to embody the principle of "being the change." According to Dalton, this is what made Malcolm X a most extraordinary human being and leader.

I want to see a world of honesty, transparency, cooperation, equality, and democratic participation, where people live in dignity and intellectual freedom, and have a say in the governance of their communities. I want to see a world where people connect with each other as people, and value that connection, that special human JOY, above all other things. I want to see a world where people can work together to solve humanity's collective problems, and put their personal interests and egos aside, and collaborate on the urgencies of the Earth. I believe that human beings can set aside their personal desires, temptations, laziness, selfishness, and aggressions in times of urgency. I believe that a civic culture with greater emphasis on collective responsibility and true political equality is possible.

I seek first to be honest, transparent, and cooperate with others. I seek to always work hard and take responsibility for my part in my family, my friendships, my communities. I seek to be strong and keep steady in the face of emotional turmoil. More than anything else in life, I seek to connect with people, honestly, openly, without fear of judgment, with only kindness, respect, equality, and love. More than anything else in the world, I just want to connect with people on a deeper level! I feel my personality is constrained due to fear of judgment and I want to set it free. I want to be unafraid of making mistakes in front of others, and unashamed of my personal failings, and I won't beat myself up for them so long as I am genuinely dedicating my life to being the best person I can be.

More than anything, I want to focus on my own spiritual growth this year. I am ready to set aside this silly ego. My one most important goal this year, this lifetime, is to focus every day on being a person of virtue and responsibility, of wise judgment and consideration for others, and develop true, caring, down-to-earth friendships with people. The progress in this can not be measured by lofty nonprofit programs to help the poor, but rather in my everyday words and actions, how I treat people, and how I prioritize my life.

I have set goals and went back on them before. I have reached for virtue and fallen into vice. I have tried many many times, and succumbed to temptation or despair. What will sustain my change this time around?

I am looking to connect with a higher universal whole, and to completely lose myself, embracing only what is right in this world. I have been thinking a lot these past two days about a Baha'i prayer that Makini introduced me to on Wednesday night: "Let my soul like a mirror, and my heart like an empty reed, to receive and reflect the goodness of God." Only by losing the ego, the binding desires that tie me to my bodily, singular SELF, would I be able to be connect with what is good in this world.

I seek to lose myself. But in this destruction, find true connection and purpose. This semester, I am turning to faith for a supportive community.

Words are abstractions. I don't want to merely wax poetic. There's nothing more urgent in my life right now than to embody the good that I desire in the world, for that is the first step, and the hardest lifelong path. I am tired of my selfishness and impulsive, emotional decisions that hold me back from doing what I know is right. I need to strengthen my conscience and will.

I believe I can change. I must. Because I can no longer live with the way I am.



"It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." - Charles Darwin

Alex, I am thinking always of you. Your memory guides me. You are my role model, my wisest friend, my confidant forever. Help me be strong.